So… something a little more lighthearted for your Wednesday. I drafted this earlier this year, when our littlest was just a couple months old, and I felt like life was just diapers and pullups and screamy babies and whiny threenagers. I absolutely do NOT want this blog to turn into a series of “How To” posts, but I see no harm in throwing one in now and then.
Without further ado, I give you:
How to potty train triplets
by allison worrall
Step 1: DON’T
but… they can’t be in diapers forever. sigh. hmmm… ok… then…
Step 2: DON’T HAVE TRIPLETS.
but… sometimes that happens and there’s no way you could have controlled that. and you love them all so stinking much, theres no way you would give them up for anything. Ok… right. so…
Step 3: MAKE SOMEONE ELSE DO IT
hahahahahaha…hahahahaha…hahahahahaha…hahahahahaha… who do we know who would even keep them OVERNIGHT, much less potty train them? Ok, there’s Jen. Cuz she’s a rockstar and she loves us. but i’m not going to ask her to potty train my kids. So…
Step 4: BUY A POTTY TRAINING KIT
No. no. just don’t. don’t do step 4. “They” (whoever “they” are) don’t know my kids. my kids don’t need accolades every time they THINK about thinking about going potty. They need to understand that you don’t get a prize for doing one of the most basic things. NOT TO SAY I WON’T GIVE CANDY. cuz i will. but there will be no special potty watch, no prize for sitting on the potty without doing anything, no present every week just because they went potty. nope. no. not even. no.
Step 5: HAVE A DRINK
Step 6: CHOCOLATE
Step 7: GIVE UP
cuz you know… when you start the day all excited that THIS WILL BE THE DAY!!! and then all goes to pot (pun intended) within 2 hours and they KNOW how to recognize when they have to go and they KNOW how to ask to go potty and they KNOW what to do when they get there and how to pull down their pants and sit on the potty and wipe their little parts and wash their little hands but THEY JUST DON’T… and the baby is screaming… and the 2nd pullup in as many hours has broken… and at least one of them has a bad attitude about something… maybe it’s just better for everyone’s mental health to just let it go for today and try again tomorrow.
Step 8: TAKE A DEEP BREATH
they won’t be in pullups forever… they won’t need you to buy them wipes while they’re in high school… they won’t expect a lollipop for pooping in the potty like a big boy (or girl) right before putting on their cap and gown in 15 years…
Step 9: TRY AGAIN
remembering that days like the one mentioned in step 7 will happen… you’ll want to pull your (increasingly greying) hair out of your head one handful at a time, the baby will scream at just the wrong time, the pullups will break and your 3 year olds will be the threenageriest threenagers you’ve ever had the pleasure of being annoyed by.
Step 10: MAKE THE MOST OF THE GOOD DAYS
because, just like the rest of this “long days, short years” adventure you’re on, there will be REALLY GOOD DAYS. the kind of days you don’t want to end. the kind of days that make you feel like a total supermom. I mean… not only did you carry these 3 little humans IN YOUR BODY for almost 40 weeks, but you have kept them alive and reasonably happy the last 3.5 years, and all signs point to them not being little buttheads when they grow up. GO US!!! remember this feeling. remember it well. well enough that you won’t have to try hard to bring it back to memory on the days when you want to tuck everyone safely into bed and then throw yourself out the window.
Step 11: IN 10 YEARS, LOOK BACK ON THIS PROCESS AND LAUGH TILL YOUR SIDES HURT
laugh with them. tell them about the time they all ran around with bare bums because they thought it would be fun instead of letting mom get them dressed. tell them about the time that R sat on the potty and scared himself by peeing. (that was a good one.) laugh and laugh and look back and realize that all these stages, all these steps, were worthwhile for one reason or another and see how everyone learned something.
Step 12: THANK GOD FOR THE GIFT OF EACH OTHER
because He knows how much they need you… and how much you need them. and He created each of us perfectly for each other, and will use all of these trials for our good and His glory.
Step 13: HUG THEM
hug them hard. a good, long, warm hug. rock them back and forth and kiss their little cheeks. throw in an armpit tickle if you must. tell them how much you love them. remind them that there’s nothing they could ever do to change that. even if they DO need us to buy them pullups and wipes when they’re in high school (but… they won’t), they will never lose our love.